Divorce terms and issues

Besides the general information which follows, you may also want to consult our list of divorce resources for specialized information or support, or our book list to help explain to your children the changes that are going on in their family.

This may seem like a dumb question, but it's actually a tough one to answer. Divorce is a big step... far bigger even than getting married in the first place. And it's a final, irrevocable one. To answer this question fairly, you must be able to:

There are many other things to take into account as well. How well you will be able to manage financially is of course a major concern, as is how a divorce will effect your children. There are social and religious mores to consider too, not to mention how this will affect your relationship with friends and family, and your own sense of self-worth and personal self-esteem.

Just remember... “Ozzie and Harriet” was a television show. Few, if any, people actually live like that. A successful marriage takes a lot of hard work, a lot of give and take. It’s when one spouse refuses to do his share, or give even an inch that things can really start to fall apart. Sometimes all a stumbling marriage needs is a good cooling off period. Others can be saved or repaired by psychological, marital, sexual, or religious counseling. Often, not. For any kind of therapy to be effective both spouses must be willing to make fundamental changes. If yours won’t, or if you don’t have the desire to make changes either, don’t expect things to get any better. And only you can decide if it’s worth living that way. On the other hand if life is a living hell, or a threat to you or your children’s physical safety, then considering a divorce will certainly be a prudent course of action.

In certain unusual circumstances an annulment or an action for separate maintenance may be an alternative action. Although an action for separate maintenance does not carry the finality of a divorce, it can offer you many of the same benefits. However, be advised, it does have some drawbacks.

An annulment may be granted if the marriage was:

illegal (e.g. incestuous)
based on fraud or duress
or if one party was under age

The rules and their application, however, can be very complicated.

If an annulment is granted, you cannot expect to receive any alimony; but if you have had children, they will still be “legitimate”. As far as property rights are concerned, everything will revert back to what they were before the marriage.

An action for separate maintenance can:

provide for your support and maintenance while you and your husband live apart.
allow you to sue for divorce at a later date or remain married, and living apart, without dividing the marital estate

allow you to reconcile with your husband.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t allow you to remarry. It does not determine your respective property rights, nor protect you from any actions your spouse may take which diminish the estate. And it does not leave you free to date, unless you and your spouse have a written agreement that neither will ask for a divorce on adultery grounds.

No... and yes. The divorce laws themselves are of course available to anyone and can be found in any legal library, and the US Constitution permits you to represent yourself in a court of law. If your divorce is completely uncontested, and your husband is willing to give you everything you want... including the house, your kids, and alimony for life... you might consider this option. But chances are you're married now to someone who has turned into someone less than the perfect Mr. Wonderful he was when you first married him. And if things have turned really ugly, he won't even let you get away with your grandmother's garter belt without a knock-down drag-out fight in the court room.

So in reality you actually do need a lawyer... but you want to get a really "good" lawyer who specializes in women's needs. Few women understand what they are legally entitled to in a divorce, and even fewer exercise those rights to their fullest. There are a lot of reasons for this... shame, guilt, not wanting to hurt your spouse, making it easier on the kids, societal or family pressure, etc. People undergoing the trauma of divorce frequently try to minimize friction, often to their own detriment or that of their children's long term well being. Hardly any are clear-headed enough to make decisions that will affect them the rest of their lives. All too often both spouses just want to get the divorce over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. And that's what causes so much grief. You need a knowledgeable, dedicated third party to represent your best interests. We know the law, and how to explain it to you. We can tell you exactly what you are entitled to receive, and will do our best to get it for you.

So what exactly is a divorce anyway?

A divorce legally severs the bonds of matrimony between a man and a woman. It breaks the existing legal contract between them and divides their property, wealth, and children according to a new contract (a settlement agreement) usually incorporated into the divorce. But most importantly, it gives you a second shot at life. It allows you to remarry anyone you wish (if and when you choose to) and live your life without hindrance by your former spouse. But life is not lived in a court of law, or in a test tube. In the real world... what a divorce is supposed to do, and what it actually does if not handled properly, can be two very different things.

A divorce cannot change what has happened between you and you husband, or how that has affected your life or that of your children. It cannot reclaim lost years for you, or guarantee that life will be sweeter for you in the future. And it certainly can't guarantee that it won't happen again. All it can do is offer you the freedom to try again. But this time that freedom has a heavy price.

When you were married, you and your husband could decide on virtually every aspect of your life without interference by anyone else. Finances permitting, you could move when ever or where ever you wanted to, work for anyone you wanted to, or even send your children to private school if that's what you wanted to do.

When you get a divorce and you have children... all that changes. When you were married and had a disagreement with your husband, you at least had the potential to work it out between yourselves and make some sort of agreeable compromise. When you are divorced and your ex-spouse doesn't like what you are trying to do with "his" kids, he will go to court and a judge will decide what you are going to do. And his decision will stick, whether you like it or not.

A "good" divorce

plans for these contingencies
minimizes their impact on your life
assures a sound financial future for you
provides for your children

A "bad" divorce can

leave you destitute
leave you at the mercy of the court (which can be easily swayed by your ex's high-priced attorney)
cost you your children
ruin any chance for happiness you could have had in your second life

Every state has its own set of requirements for getting a divorce. In Virginia you must have been a resident of the Commonwealth for 6 months prior to filing. You must also have a court acceptable reason for seeking a divorce. These include:

We recommend that all prospective clients attend our special three hour seminar before doing anything else.

How much is this going to cost me?

The real question should be "How much will this cost me if I don't get a good attorney"? And only you can answer that one. On our end, there are no hard and fast rules. It all depends on what you expect us to do for you. Generally, we are hired to:

protect your interests in the marital assets (cars, home, furnishings, savings account, retirement, medical insurance, investments and debts)
handle all custody and support issues of your children
obtain spousal support for you (when applicable).

Additionally, you may want us to be available to answer any questions you may have, and go to Court if necessary to litigate any issues which may affect your rights with regard to your children, your support and your financial well being.

To do all of this requires a great deal of time and effort, not just on the part of your attorney, but his support team as well. Generally, most divorces will cost at least $2,000 and and may run as high as $5,000. However, this assumes that you and your husband can reach a negotiated settlement and there will be no major battles between the two of you. If there is protracted litigation, and neither of you is willing to negotiate, costs can escalate dramatically... especially when custody issues are involved.

When you retain our firm, you pay an up-front retainer. A retainer is a down payment to an attorney for future services rendered. When you pay your retainer to an attorney, it is placed in a trust account. It is still your money.

As we work on your case, we bill you on the 15th and 30th of each month. If you have money in our trust account, we send you the bill and take a like amount from the trust account (your money) and transfer it to our operating account (our money). Because the money is available, we do not have to worry about being paid and do not have a collections problem. If your retainer is depleted before the conclusion of your case, we will ask you to replenish it.

At the conclusion of your case, we will return any unused retainer and, where possible, we will ask the court to have your husband pay your legal fees. In appropriate cases the court will award you partial or full reimbursement of your legal fees and costs.

Remember, our goal is to negotiate. But we are willing and able to litigate, if it is in your interest. We do, however, want you to receive everything to which you are entitled. To do this though, we must be prepared for the worst, as we work for the best.

Divorces in Virginia are not jury trials. If you reach a settlement fairly early in the suit, either you or your husband will have to appear before a judge or commissioner. Otherwise, you can expect to appear before a judge and/or commissioner.

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Can I get a divorce in Virginia if my spouse has moved to another state?
Interstate divorces can be complicated. Proper jurisdiction must be established prior to starting anything or you are going to waste a lot of time and money.		Let your attorney decide the best way to handle this and let him serve the appropriate papers on your spouse.